new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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