In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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