My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
