You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
