Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
