If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
