I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
