That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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