No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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