Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
