I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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