Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
