literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
