I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
