If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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