If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
