and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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