I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
