She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
