And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
