fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize