I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
