If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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