i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
