the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
