I heard we made out
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
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