she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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