I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
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