We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
