Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
