that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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