I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
