The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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