If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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