new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Randomize
