Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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