I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
