I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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