I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She's the barista slut.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
