Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
