He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize