One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
