I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize