saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
