What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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