I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
