yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
