***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize