I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
