She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Girls should come with a carfax report
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
