go do what you do best...puke behind churches
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
