I just cut my nipple shaving
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
