I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
