I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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