I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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