Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
