she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
